From Experience to Evidence: Making Sense with Science
Am I ready to be a dad?
[Note, this article refers to miscarriage and may be triggering to some readers]
The journey to fatherhood is often filled with questions and uncertainties. One of the most common questions men ask themselves is, 'Am I ready to become a dad?' Conversely, many women ask the same question of their partner – ‘Is he ready to become a father?’
My own journey into fatherhood included a heightened version of this. Our first ‘successful’* pregnancy was only short, over as quickly as it began, with my wife miscarrying just shy of the 9-week mark. Yet the four or so weeks of knowing we were pregnant felt like a rollercoaster ride, beginning with the sheer thrill and elation of discovering that we were going to be parents, quickly transitioning to the mental plunge as we accelerated down the near vertical incline, gaining more and more speed to enter the loop-the-loop of realising how our life was about to change forever. No more spontaneous date nights with my wife as we walked home through the city from work. No more late nights attending team dinners and drinks with my colleagues. Being responsible for a child would mean being less frivolous and more purposeful with our budgeting and spending.
Before I could finish processing one imminent life change, my mind jolted into another realisation. It was like being swept through a series of sharp turns and sudden drops, adrenaline and fear building with each twist. The rollercoaster climbed higher. At its peak, heart pounding, I was left facing the question: Was I really ready to be a dad? ‘Too late now’ I reconciled, hoping acceptance was the key to progress. Then, suddenly—everything stopped.
Our pregnancy was cut short. When I heard the news, I first felt relieved that life might return to normal, but guilt quickly set in as I realised this meant our baby was gone. My guilt became shame as I questioned my reaction. I had always wanted to be a dad, so why had I reacted in this way? Was my flakiness a true representation of my ‘unreadiness’ to be a dad, or was I simply going through a natural, psychological transition of trying to understand, reconcile and embrace the new life to come?
What made things worse was that I had recently started a new job at my wife’s firm. When she called me to say that she was miscarrying and needed to go home, I remained at work. I was working on a big proposal due the next day and didn’t think I could leave without giving away that my wife, which my new colleagues knew, was pregnant. I felt trapped, thinking that if I went to her aid, I would potentially impact her career. I thought I was protecting her by staying at work.
When she called again after lunch to let me know that she needed to go to the hospital, I asked if there was anything she needed from me, other than my physical presence. There wasn’t. I kept on ‘protecting’ her by working into the night, putting on the appearance that everything was normal.
When I got home after midnight, my wife was curled up in bed. When I joined her, she rolled over and pulled away from me, refusing to talk. When we finally spoke the next morning, she simply said, ‘Where were you?’ I had promised to be there every step of the way, and in her eyes, I was absent at the first hurdle when she needed me the most.
There was no ‘returning to normal’. Life was different now. We were the same two people, still married without children, but starkly different. And worst, she had lost all trust in me as a supportive partner and involved father-to-be.
We grieved. For months. It took considerable time for my wife to physically recover from the miscarriage. It took even longer to rebuild trust, recover from the damage to our relationship and be emotionally ready to consider trying to fall pregnant again. But the experience helped us comprehend how unconsciously selfish (or self-driven/self-determined) our lives were in the married-without-children phase to date. Most impactful for me was that I was left with a clear view of how I needed to reorient my priorities between my relationship, my sense of family and my career to be ‘ready’ to be the dad that I wanted to be (and who my wife needed me to be). But what I still didn’t realize was that the process of readying to be a dad was not simply a conscious decision leading to behavioural change.
I have heard many pre-dads asking themselves this same question: “Am I ready to be a dad?” In some cases, the unabashed answer has been a resounding ‘no’. I have also heard many women concluding (or perhaps lamenting) that their male partner “isn’t ready to be a dad yet”, with predetermined expectations about what ‘being ready’ should look like for their partner.
For me, the process of becoming pregnant was itself the critical catalyst towards becoming ready to be a dad. The experience of pregnancy triggered a gradual change in my behaviour, priorities and decision-making. I pivoted from constantly pursuing what I wanted to do, towards acting and behaving in a way that prioritised (over time) my family’s best interests above my own.
This was a much bigger adjustment than the transition from singledom to dating, or even dating to marriage, as my wife and I shared many similar interests and tastes – usually deciding to do what I want naturally aligned with what she also wanted, and vice versa. But this was now prioritising the good of our family as a unit that required sacrifice that only truly kicked in through the pregnancy period. If my wife had waited for me to change and show signs of being ‘ready’ before agreeing to start trying for a child, there’s every chance she would still be waiting.
The journey into fatherhood is more than a cognitive realignment. It is also a neurological and biological transformation that is not as well known or publicised as it needs to be. The transformation that women experience in becoming a mother, activating maternal instincts and behaviours as carers is common knowledge. Pregnancy triggers changes in oxytocin and dopamine levels to trigger contractions and lactation. The mother’s brain is plastic – that is, it structurally and functionally adapts in response to active caregiving, helping the mother learn, understand and respond to her child’s needs. While this is often termed ‘a mother’s instinct’, what is lesser known is that primary caring fathers also experience similar neurobiological changes to help them bond with and care for their infant, and experience the joys of fatherhood.
Behavioural Modifications
Behaviourally, men often begin to exhibit more protective and supportive behaviours during their partner’s pregnancy. This includes increased involvement in household duties, financial planning, and providing emotional support to their partner. Such behaviours are not only beneficial for the expectant mother but also help the father-to-be to internalize his new role. Furthermore, these behaviours are reinforced by changing social and cultural expectations, which encourage men to be more involved and supportive during pregnancy.
Hormonal Changes
One of the most significant biological preparations for fatherhood in men is the alteration in hormone levels. Studies have shown that expectant fathers experience a decline in testosterone levels. Research conducted by Gettler et al. (2011) found that men who became fathers had significantly lower testosterone levels compared to their childless counterparts. What’s more, a father’s testosterone levels never return to their pre-fatherhood levels. Lower testosterone is associated with increased empathy and a greater tendency towards nurturing behaviours crucial for caregiving. Additionally, men experience an increase in prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that promote bonding and caregiving behaviours (Edelstein et al., 2015). The lowering of men’s testosterone levels helps men focus more on their family. The increased level of oxytocin enhances men’s ability to bond with their new family, while their parallel increase in dopamine helps the experience feel even more rewarding.
Neurobiological Adjustments
The anticipation of fatherhood also triggers neurobiological changes in men. The transition period allows men to mentally and emotionally prepare for their new role. This preparation often involves a re-evaluation of personal goals, priorities, and a strengthened sense of responsibility. A study by Saxbe et al. (2018) highlighted that expectant fathers experience increased activity in brain regions associated with emotional regulation and social cognition, suggesting that the brain adapts to better handle the (pending) demands of parenting.
Dads who take on primary caregiving roles also experience neurobiological changes during the transition to fatherhood, though the extent and nature of these changes can differ from those observed in mothers. Studies show that primary carer father’s brains, like their female counterparts, also exhibit plasticity in response to active caregiving. Research using brain imaging specifically found that primary caregiving fathers displayed increased activation in brain regions associated with emotional processing (such as the amygdala and the superior temporal sulcus), similar to those seen in mothers (Abraham et al., 2014), but differing in that a functional connection formed between the amygdala and STS in primary carer fathers only. In other words, primary carer fathers’ neuro pathways adapt to help them provide the care required in the absence of a primary carer mother by activating the different pathways utilised by primary carer mothers and secondary carer fathers.
The degree of these neural and hormonal adaptations often correlates with the amount of hands-on care the father provides. Fathers who are more actively involved in childcare tend to experience more pronounced changes, supporting the idea that time spent as the primary caregiver can enhance paternal sensitivity and foster deeper parent-child connection (Abraham et al., 2014; Feldman et al., 2010).
Expert Opinions
Experts in the field of psychology and endocrinology emphasize that these changes are crucial for the well-being of both the father and the child. Dr. James Rilling, a neuroscientist, points out that these hormonal and neural adaptations are designed to enhance paternal investment, which is essential for the child’s development and survival. Similarly, Dr. Anna Machin, an evolutionary anthropologist, underscores that these changes help fathers become more attuned to their infants’ needs, fostering a strong father-child bond from the outset.
In her book, The Life of Dad: The Making of the Modern Father (2018), Dr. Anna Machin explores the ways neural structures and behaviours change in new fathers. She explains that the human brain is remarkably flexible. When triggered by hormonal shifts during pregnancy and active caregiving, this flexibility adapts the brain’s emotional and cognitive centres to enable effective parenting.
Importantly, Dr. Machin highlights that this adaptability is not limited by gender or sexual orientation, nor limited to biological offspring. For example, gay dads can develop both the emotional responses often associated with mothers and the cognitive strategies commonly seen in fathers. This means children growing up in diverse family structures can still benefit from an environment that supports their ideal development. Such research helps challenge stereotypes and shows how caregiving roles are shared and shaped by the experiences and involvement of each parent.
Have you ever seen the joy on the face of a friend or family member that has become a new mum or dad when interacting with their baby, and wondered why you don’t feel the same level of joy when you interact with their baby? It’s not a reflection on your readiness to be a parent!
So, if you are a man wrestling with the question “Am I ready to be a dad?”, rest assured that you don’t become ‘ready’ simply by convincing yourself that you are. The fact that you are asking yourself this question shows that the process has already begun. While there are things you can do to start demonstrating a heightened sense of responsibility, convincing yourself that you are ready is no more a determinate of your readiness than a negative pregnancy test.
Pregnancy itself is the beginning of the neurobiological process that readies you to become a father. Just as the process of pregnancy physically and psychologically prepares a woman to be a mother, the pregnancy period also prepares men to become fathers and has been doing so for millennia. You still need to lean into the change, so don’t resist it. Instead embrace the experience and let the rollercoaster begin transforming you to become the dad you want to be.
*From a medical standpoint, a successful pregnancy refers to the success in falling pregnant, not the successful completion of the pregnancy resulting in the delivery of a healthy baby. This means that miscarriages and abortions also count as a ‘successful’ pregnancy. On future visits to the doctors (including for additional pregnancies), we were asked to confirm how many successful pregnancies we had experienced. This caught us off guard and was a blatant reminder of the multiple children we lost on the course to becoming a family of five.
Actions:
1. Share this article with another dad you trust to have an open and honest conversation with – perhaps a friend who is already a father, or even your own dad, grandfather or father figure.
Together, reflect on the passage and discuss your answers to the following questions:
What resonated the most with you in this article?
Have you stopped (or did you stop) to consider the extent to which life may need to change for you and your partner individually, as well collectively, once you have children? What changes are you most afraid of and why?
Ask your friend / father / grandfather / father figure what they remember of their experience through the pregnancy period. In hindsight, what would they do again or do differently if they could experience this time again?
2. Share this with your partner. Together discuss:
What resonated the most with you in this article?
What are you most anxious or afraid of in preparing to start a family together? What keeps you up at night?
What do you need from your partner to help you in preparing to start a family? Why do you feel you need this?
What action are you going to take to support your partner and meet their needs?