From Experience to Evidence: Making Sense with Science

Supporting kids through nightmares

[Note, this reflection insights from lived experience only and should not be taken as professional medical or psychological advice. If you or your child needs professional help, please consult your doctor]

Over the years I have been in the fortunate position to seek help from psychologists and counsellors when working through major conflicts or trauma in my life, including overcoming the anxiety from an attempted home invasion that occurred while I was working from home. One of the techniques I have been coached on relates to controlling your negative thoughts. 

As a dad who strives to be involved in my children’s lives, I am always looking for ways to pass on life lessons I have gained to my children to equip them for their lives ahead. 

 Last night, well after my wife and I finished putting the kids to bed, an opportunity arose to turn a parenting moment of frustration into a ‘moment that mattered’ for my son. He and his sister were still awake giggling with each other, goofing around and ignoring all calls to quiet down and go to sleep. Ignoring my inclination to get upset with them, I decided to go into their room and try to calm them down. 

 When I went into their room, my son started telling me that he was having trouble falling asleep as his mind kept revisiting a scary scene from a cartoon that he had seem some weeks (or possibly even months) before. He told me how one afternoon when we had let him watch tv, he flicked over to a new cartoon that we had not given him permission to watch and saw a scary scene about a monster in a cave. While he turned it off as soon as he realised it was scary, this part of the scene continued popping into his mind from time to time, making him feel scared.

 When dealing with my own anxiety from confronting a home invader, my trauma psychologist taught me that our minds will continue to revisit the traumatic moment as our minds try to process and deal with what happened. We can’t help these thoughts. It brings up the same feelings that we experienced in the moment - fear, grief, sadness etc. However, when we revisit the emotion, we often try to suppress the thought and emotion, stopping the thought in its tracks, trying to distract ourselves or think about something else. This prevents us from dealing with the emotion, enabling it to return just as strong next time.

 Even though my son is only 7 years old and it was now getting very late, I decided to take the opportunity to talk to him. As my daughter dozed off to the sound of our whispered conversation, I explained that the traumatic scene would keep recurring and scaring him if he kept shutting it down. Instead, I asked him to tell me about the scary thought and tell me about the scene from the cartoon. With my hand on his shoulder, he started recounting the scene. A couple of children, the main characters in the story, enter a dark cave where they see a monster with red eyes and sharp teeth like a vampire. Already I could feel his muscles tensing up and I could see his rising level of distress on his face. 

 I asked him to pause the story and tell me how he felt. He told me that he didn’t feel good. He felt scared. I asked him to explain what exactly was scaring him and to take a moment to feel the range of emotions rising in him before asking him to continue the story. He explained that one of the kids wanted to be friends with the monster, which we both agreed was rather strange. He started to smile a little bit. That’s where the scene ended as he turned it off. I asked him what he thought happened next. He wasn’t sure, so I asked him what he would like to happen next if he was writing the story. He said that he would have the monster fall out of the cave, land in a stream and be washed away to monster land. We both had a laugh about his new ending before I asked him how he felt now. He said he felt better and could see how letting himself work through the emotions of the thought was helping him deal with it. The thought didn’t seem so scary anymore. So, I asked him to tell me the whole scene again.

 The second recount was even more detailed. He gave even more detailed descriptions of the cave and the monster who was more like a yeti. We paused and reflected on other cartoons he has seen with Bigfoot and a yeti who were the good guys in the story. By this point he was grinning from ear to ear. As the story continued, his fear faded, and his posture noticeably shifted. He was happy and told me how the thought wasn’t scaring him anymore. 

 I then explained, as had been explained to me, that this technique works with lots of thoughts. I told him that when a close family friend had passed a few months before, there were times where I had walked into my room, shut the door and couldn’t help but cry out in my grief. Over time, I deliberately took moments to sit in my grief and feel it, riding out the wave of emotion. While this didn’t take away the fact that his death was sad, each time I sat in my feelings, the depth of grief I felt reduced and is a healthy way to engage with our feelings, whether feelings of happiness, sadness, anger or any other thought that triggers an intense feeling.

 At the end, I explained how we need to be careful of what we watch, as this feeds our mind. I then shared that as I’m falling asleep, I often like to think of my favourite place or activity, like snowboarding down a mountain. I like to feel the movement of my board carving through the powder beneath my feet. I like to hear the crisp swooshing sound of the snow being brushed aside as I form big S bends in the snow. I can see the surrounding valleys separating snow tipped peaks that wind their way into the distant horizon. I feel exhilarated. Peaceful. Happy. 

 My son then shared his favourite thought for drifting off to sleep - being on the soccer field in the midfield, tackling a player, flicking the ball between his legs and pivoting as he runs away with the ball. With that, I kissed him goodnight and left him smiling as he drifted off to sleep visualising how to be the next Messi. 

 This morning over breakfast I asked him how he slept last night. He grinned and answered, ‘Perfectly’. 

 For more information about supporting your child through nightmares and night terrors, see https://www.sleepfoundation.org/nightmares/nightmares-in-children.